All We Had And All We Lost
by Megwill
Summary: "Walk away. They are going to kill you Kate and if you don't care about that, just think about how this is going to affect the people that love you. Do you really want to put your dad through that and what about Josh?" Castle. "And What about you Rick?" - Like a heartbeat drives you mad in the stillness of remembering what you had and what you lost. Kate thinks about their fight.


For those reading Secrets Revealed - Life has been very hectic with holidays, birthdays, work, and just life in general. I have not forgot it and will finish it asap. This was just something that I knew I could jot down quick and let people know I hadn't forgotten about the story at the same time. Hope you like it. Castle tomorrow and omg Alexis!

* * *

_Now there you go again you say you want your freedom  
Well who am I to keep you down  
It's only right that you should play it the way you feel it  
But listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness…_

Like a heartbeat drives you mad  
In the stillness of remembering  
Of what you had and what you lost…  
Of what you had and what you lost…_  
_

_"Dreams" by Fleetwood Mac covered by Gabrielle Aplin and Bastille_

* * *

"_Walk away. They are going to kill you Kate and if you don't care about that, just think about how this is going to affect the people that love you. Do you really want to put your dad through that and what about Josh?" asked Castle._

"_And what about you Rick?" I spat back._

"_Well of course I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm your partner, I'm your friend." he tried.  
_

"_Is that what we are?" My words were accusing.  
_

"_Alright well I don't know what we are. We kiss and we never talk about it, we nearly die frozen in each others arms, but we never talk about it. So no, I have no clue what we are! I know I don't want to see you throw your life away!" he had been pushed to far.  
_

"_Yeah well last time I checked it was my life, not your personal jungle gym! And for the past three years I've been running around with the schools funniest kid, and it's not enough!" I accused, although I didn't mean it.  
_

"_You know what? This isn't about your mother's case anymore. This is about you needing a place to hide. Because you have you have been chasing this thing so long, you are afraid to find out who you are without it." he dared to go there.  
_

"_You don't know me Castle! You think you do, but you don't!" I lied, my words coated with venom - but underneath they were a bluff, a lie.  
_

"_I know you crawled inside your mother's murder and you didn't come out. The same way you hide there in these nowhere relationships with men you don't love! You could be happy Kate, you deserve to be happy, but you're afraid." he spoke the truth, and it hurt.  
_

"_You know what we are Castle? We are over. Now get out." I lashed out as to protect myself from becoming emotional in front of him.  
_

* * *

With my back turned to him I winced involuntarily as I heard Castle shut the door of my apartment and walk out. Then, just like that Castle was gone. Drawing in a deep breath I closed my eyes; both of my hands covered my face in frustration or an attempt to block the world out for a moment, or both. Maybe, just maybe, if I kept them there, over my closed eyes, I would never have to face reality. And the reality was I had just told Castle to get out, that we were over. Unfortunately, I had to open my eyes. And the truth of the matter was my own devious tears had ebbed their way through closed eyes and already soaked my palms.

Letting my tear stained hands fall to my side I opened my eyes and fixated my vision toward my couch, exhaling a deep shaky breath I walked over to it and sat. Castle told me that we were partners on this couch. I smiled a warm smile inside when he said that. Though, I would never tell him that. I don't ever tell him how he makes me feel. I've always told myself he knows, and not to think too much about it. Although, tonight clearly showed he thought about it, about us, a lot. Then again, as did I. I drew in and let out another shaky breath as I rested my head in my hands.

I played back our fight. He had asked me to walk away. He must have read my eyes, because I couldn't believe he would ask such a thing of me. He told me that they, the people on the case were going to kill me. I started withdrawing into myself and building my walls at that comment. I could handle my own, who was he to tell me who was going to kill me. I am fine and I am able to take care of myself! When is everyone going to realize that?!

Though, he kept pushing he said if I didn't care about that then to think of how my death would affect the people that loved me, what it would do to my dad. He even had the audacity to ask me 'what about Josh?' What would my death do to Josh? I didn't even think about my response I just spat out 'and what about you Rick?'

I knew damn well the reason Castle didn't add his name to that list was because it involved that scary four letter word and even though we were yelling at each other and pissed. I was dying to hear it. I wanted him to tell me he loved me so bad, although at the same time I prayed to God he didn't. Regardless, I had something to spat back at him, and I knew my words stung him.

Now alone on my couch, I rubbed my red puffy eyes and wiped at my pitiful tear stained cheeks as I inhaled another shaky breath, allowing another flashback of our fight, mere moments ago to assault my mind. He told me of course he didn't want anything to happen to me, he was my partner, and he was my friend. My heart palpated angrily with those words, because I knew that he knew we were more than that. Then again, what were we? I didn't think of my response, but most people don't when they fight.

So, I let more words fly from my mouth, targeting him. I asked him is that what we are? He became angry and admitted he didn't know what we were. He brought up the kiss we never spoke of and the time we almost died in each others arms. I felt my heart seize up and my insides freeze when he mentioned those two events.

So, I did what I knew and lashed out as to protect myself. I didn't mean what I said when I told him that I had been running around with the schools funniest kid and it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough; the truth was it was more than enough. He was more than I knew what to do with. In life I've been hurt, I've had a broken heart, but I've never known loyalty like Castle.

I sigh and rub at my face, knowing it's because he loves me. I have never known a love like his before. I looked up and stared at the door he walked out of moments ago and released a shaky breath. I told him he didn't know me. I told him he _thought_ he knew me, but he didn't. I shake my head at my ignorance and laugh lightly. Castle, not know me? He knows me better than anyone in my life. I was just angry; I just wanted him to leave. I knew if I hurt him bad enough – and I knew I could – that he would leave me alone with my thoughts. More importantly that he would stop talking about the case, drop the subject. I didn't know it would lead to this.

As I stare at the door not blinking, tears streamed down my face. I didn't wipe them away, but let them fall down my face freely. Maybe, if enough tears were shed they would wash away our fight and make everything better, if only dreams could become reality. As I stare at the door I think of the words that Castle said that made me so angry, more with myself than him. Parting words, the ones that made me kick him out. The truth hurts and while I had stung him quite a few times during our fight. It was he who drew the final sword, plunged it and twisted it through my heart.

When he dared to tell me I needed a place to hide because I had been chasing my mother's murder so long I didn't know who I was without it. I was pissed, pissed that someone could know me so well. Then he went on to tell me I crawled inside my mother's murder and didn't come out!? The same way I hide in nowhere relationships with men I don't love!

I brushed at my puffy red eyes and tried to muffle a cry – I couldn't and as that single thought entered my mind, my silent tears turned into racking sobs. He was right. I couldn't keep a relationship to save my life. It bothered me too. I didn't tell people, but I knew before I entered a relationship I would be the one breaking the guy's heart. I never had my hopes set on anyone and expected nothing. I was damaged and I knew it. Castle knew it. I cried harder.

I buried my head in my hands remembering his last words, "_You could be happy Kate, you deserve to be happy, but you're afraid." _He's right and I hate him and love him for it, because he does know me, better than anyone. But I'm afraid, afraid that if I let myself cross that line we might lose each other, but even more afraid that we might work. Afraid to lose myself in my own guilty pleasure, also known as my partner and best friend, Castle.

I know we will never speak of this fight just as he would never know how badly I cried when he walked out of that door. I guess in the end I got what I wanted. Castle left me alone with my thoughts. He left and gave me the space and freedom I had so fiercely demanded. Now the room was so still I could hear my heartbeat; a tribal drumming filled with memories of all I had and all I lost.

The worst part was I know he wanted more, wanted me to admit something – anything, but I wasn't ready. Most of all I knew I shouldn't have said what I had said to him and I knew I wouldn't apologize. Our fight would just fall into another one of those moments, those events that we didn't speak of, because we had let too much emotion show.

All of this because_ I_ was afraid to let myself cross that line, because _I_ wasn't ready. He had done nothing wrong.

I drew in a deep breath, looked up at the door and whispered aloud, _"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Castle." _Then slowly laid down on the couch and cried myself to sleep.


End file.
